Sometimes in the morning

I'm not sure if blogger's postin da right time for this post but i'm gonna write it down now.

It's 8th of Nov, monday and yes, it's 407 in the morning.

1more day and my roommate will be back soon and maybe that's the day i will have a cup of starbucks..

I'm pretty much in love with DARK MOCHA .

Anyways.

The last day i went to school was last wed and that's the pretty day that i had my maths paper6 exam.. love it..

And 2 more days which is this wed , i will have my very last paper, that is econs paper1, the paper that i fear the most, or should i say ' THE PAPER THAT I HATE THE MOST'.

I finished my past years and i was on the way finishing mr mohan's homework.
Sadly to say, halfway through the 200 multiple questions, i watched a movie instead.
After that movie i watched another movie and while waiting for the movie to buffer, i did do some of the multiple questions.

So, then, after the movie, i went to facebook.
All in a sudden i had the feeling of missin my classmates.
And all of the sudden, someone came to my mind : Tom.

So obviously i went to his account.
There's not much to look or i could say 'stalk' cuz i din add him.
His profile is quite private.
I know he has or had a girlfriend.
I heard they broke up and i oso heard that they were still as sweet as before.

Wateva..

So i went to the girlfriend's profile.
The girlfriend was good looking. Small sized. She's that kind of socialize girl that every guy will love to have a nice chat with her.

Ohya. and i learnt this word from her wall : DESPO .
Maybe that's 1 very ordinary word but seriously i love it! It's so cool.
DESPO DESPO DESPO DESPO DESPO DESPO...

XD
Anyways.
Then i clicked through her pictures and i came to realise that if u want to be ' in the gang ' seriously t-shirts and jeans are not goin to help you.

I mean not that you cant have t shirts and jeans in your cupboard.
What i meant was you need to be nicely dressed up, at least 4 times in a week. Then you can have your tshirts and jeans for the rest of your days.
Dressed up as in following the trend, not the latest one but at least something something..

The social trend is damn important!
Of course. being nicely dressed up but you hardly open your mouth , then fine, forget bout it, you're out!!
If you hardly talk, no one will EVER realise of your existence.

AND i just realised, i hardly have any of these two.
I don open my mouth often, i don even look at people, and i don dress up.
I have a sudden feeling of failure.. :(

You don expect te guy you like or admire to have 1 look at you if you don have those two, let alone that he will know your existence when he don even look at you.

Whooh...
I just realised i had always been living in my own world.
I'm always to myself only.
And i always say how much i don need more friends but yet, when i meet a new friend i could hardly keep the smile off my face.
That's the ironic part.
Izit because i'm Gemini??
Nah, i think that's just a pretty excuse to get rid of the blame.

I seriously need to work out.
When i saw the girlfriend's pictures, all the events she had with her friends , and when i saw christy's pictures and all the events she had and when i saw ' bla bla bla with bla bla bla and God knows what events they are into, i know , i know i have to make a move.
I seriously need to make a move!! I don care whatever it takes, i'm goin to make a move and become a successful woman!!!!!
That's the 2nd thind i need to deal wit hafter my wed's exam.
Right now, i have to concentrate on my econs and my personal statement which both enough to drive me crazy.
Okay, i think that is for today.

Smiles for myself :))))))) 4:49am

My situation

ARH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My only situation here is to stuff myself into one of the unis in UK !!

That particular random guy !

Ohhh and awwwww~~~~~~~~~~

I think i will never ever forget this , at least till now it's still quite fresh in my mind.

I dono about the others but i always have this craze for the ' white people ' , u know.. like those we used to watch in the movies.. XDD

They seemed so special to me.. They are the 'WOW's to me..
You know.. when u see 1 of those pple u will go 'wow~~~~~~'
for me is like that lar.. XDD

so imagine if 1 of these pple talk to me....... XD XD XD XD XD

so this is what happened

On 1 fine Monday afternoon , which was two days before today, i went out at around 2 to buy myself lunch.
No school so i wore shorts, a loose school t shirt and a pair of slippers.
When i walked back with a plastic bag full with breads in my hand, ( i'm meant from far ) , i saw two 'white guy' standing near the garden. ( i have to pass the garden to reach my apartment)

so as usual , i just walked past like what u and i will do to any strangers.
I din know what made me do that but when i walked behind them i just looked at them , it was so natural that i din even realise i react in that way.. XD

It's just like sometimes when you passed by some strangers you might just look at them for few seconds , maybe just to check and see who are they.

So,

when i walked past them,
and at that very particular moment when i looked at 1 of the guys ,
guess what ,
he turned back.....

just at that very particular moment... aww ~~~
hahaha

well
usually when u stare at pple and they looked back at you,
you feel awkward and will look the other way..

i couldn tell if he is really looking at me..
i just know he suddenly turned his whole body to the left facing his friend and also me.. (because at that moment i ngam ngam walked behind his fren)

at first i thought he turned cuz he wanted to talk to his fren but suddenly..
i heard he said 'hi'..
he looked at my direction ( which was also his fren's direction) and said hi.

and the next thing when i realised he started to talk to me like ' hey , how are you ? '
so i .. erm.. slow down my pace ( but still walking) and said 'hi and fine i'm thank you' to him.

seriously
i was stunned
i was shocked
i was NERVOUS!!!!!!

The wind was blowing at that moment and he spoke like an ant so i couldn really catch what he said.

But i heard him asking me ' so you back from school ? '
I wanted to say 'no i went to buy my lunch ' but all i could say was ' ohh yea..'

* slap myself ! slap myself ! *

then i think when i said 'yea' he gave me this ' are you lying?... oh fine ' look cuz he was staring at my plastic bag.
I seriously din look like anyone who just came back from school.. XDD

And 1 more thing...
i was too NERVOUS so when all these happened i din actually stopped and talked to him..
i just slowed down my pace..
so when i walked further away, he said something or rather mumbled something , but i couldn hear him.
so i just said 'okay, bye, see you.' , then walked away smiling all the way back home.

His look had blurred in my mind , all i could remember was what happened that day.

To tell the truth, i miss him.
I wish i had talk nicer to him and we might become frens!
Well, that's not goin to happen ANYWAY..

Actually when i refreshed the memory, i was wondering whether he was talking to me all this time.
Maybe he was really talking to his fren then i went 7+1 and talked to him so he had to talk to me........

This is hilarious, but yet a very adorable memory.
:)

Nothing beats a sincere prayer to GOD

Every night i will pray before i sleep, unless i'm so tired that i fall asleep without noticing.
I pray, because, i'm a Christian, and, i have to say my prayers before i sleep.
That, can actually be considered as a rule of mine before sleeping.

However, it is a shameful thing to say that ' i don always pray with a sincere heart'.

Sometimes, i just say my prayers quickly so that i can go to sleep earlier.

But, there's a saying that 'you'll only make 1 thing a success if u treat it and complete it with 1 sincere heart.'

So, after the previous post, i realised i had missed a lot of things in my life , and these 'sort of things' cannot be changed or asked again in the future . or even now. For example, the time.
ARH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How i wished i could scream up loud to the sky!!

I missed the precious time i had for my econs.
I could die just to have back that period of time.
But i know you know everyone knows that this is just NOT goin to happen.
And when i actually realised, ' oh hey! tomorrow's maths!'
Initially i had the feeling of giving up but then i slapped myself when i was taking my shower.
I CANT AFFORD TO SCREW UP ANYTHING ANYMORE!
I CANNOT AFFORD ANY TWINGE OF REGRET ANYMORE!
When i actually realised all these, i made up mind to aim for maths paper 6.
I cannot afford mistakes in paper 6.
After the whole day of doing maths, i actually felt numb to maths.

Today i had my maths paper 6.
Yesterday i did all the exercises and practices i could.
And before i slept, i read a part of bible and i prayed sincerely to GOD asking for his help.
I cannot afford any failures anymore.

This morning, when i got my question paper i could hardly believe that it was quite easy compared to the previous past year questions.
Easy as in i could answer most of the questions.
However , i screwed up question 6 and 7.
One of the reason was because i din understand the meaning of ' deviate' .
Overall i THINK i did well in this paper.
But who knows.
Sometimes when you are so sure of something it just doesnt result in what you expect and that is when it will lead a person to extreme disappoinment.

I don want this to happen to me!!
I never want that!!

GOD helps me.
I can believe in GOD.

That's my rule too.

So
this is the story:
my last paper will be econs paper1 .
Despite all the grudges, i will try all my best and put in extreme effort to study my econs.
I just cannot afford another failure.
It's never too late to do anything unless you never even tried!
I won give up!
That's the thing!!

whooh..
so
my previous wish do come true
i posted sth positive. :)

no topic

i just realised sth
i need friends
i seriously need friends

i hope when the next post comes i will show some improvement
and i'm posting something positive...

Here comes my new post after dono how many months

Well
i screwed up my econs.. seriously i screwed up my econs..
but yet.. i don feel anything..
i'm serious..
I DON FEEL ANYTHING..
that is wat freaks me out..

hey ng wenjie.. u screwed up your econs arh!! u know wat is the meaning of screwed up? means u will fail arh.. fail econs!!

but i don feel sad.. izit because i gave up??
i dono.. i dono wat's wrong with me..
i'm so worried but everything but yet i'm not making a move or taking any action to improve this situation..

why
why
why
why
why

i slapped myself almost every night to remind myself to wake up early the next morning.
but yet it's useless!!
there's actually no one to talk to cuz all they could and would say is 'don give up lar.. don be sad lar'
it's not doing any help AT ALL..
haih..
i felt so lifeless so aimless..
the books are all on my table but yet i'm not touching them..

i know
i know that everyone is now far ahead of me
everyone is well prepared
everyone is making their best effort to succeed
everyone is studying
everyone is moving on
but
i'm not!

I AM NOT!!

haih..
my head is empty
empty
empty

i dono y

i did so so much for law
i studied like crazy for law but once law is finished
i went '~~~~~~~~'
like a slug
i went so relax
i wasnt doin any practice for econs or maths
i rily hope someone can come over and give me a good slap

i dono when i will overcome all these.....
i just feel so so empty......