And finally I cried

And I cried, several weeks after the last time I cried.
Pathetic I was to face a bowl of milo and biscuits when I cried.
I was so sad all of a sudden and while eating I cried and the sound of the tv downstairs had prevented them from knowing that I was crying.

It wasn't suppose to be like that.
Today supposed to be a nice day. I was supposed to be excited to prepare for tomorrow's TOEFL.

And I have no idea why did I cry. Maybe because I was too fat or maybe because the milo and biscuits tasted very bad. Or maybe because I was too worried for TOEFL? But I didn't cry for Econs and Law exams.

Or maybe, I texted a friend, Engyi and I felt so touched and I cried? It's possible since I had not been contacting any of my frens for a long time although I don't have many friends.

In these few months when I stay at home, I cried more often. Is it mean that I shouldn't be at home? This is not where I should stay? What should I do?

I'm old enough to make my own plans

I'm having TOEFL tomorrow morning at Penang's KDU. Unfortunately, I'm still not well-prepared. All I could think of is how I will fail in TOEFL. For speaking, I couldn't speak within 60 sec. For reading, the questions were tough. For listening, I couldn't listen carefully to what the thing said. Writing is the worst. And then my mother said whether I can go USA or not depends on my TOEFL score. I think it's because of what she said that ha made me panicked. The worst is she just left me stranded there, worried bout my own stuff alone. HEY!! YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SOMETHING THAT SCARES PEOPLE OFF THEN LEAVE THEM ALONE TO DEAL WITH THE FEAR!!

I couldn't complete the practices. I went berserk. I wanted to scream and throw tantrums but eventually I decided to just remain silent. I din speak to nayone for the whole day. I really don't feel like speaking at all. Columbia College needs 100 out of 120 scores. Where do I get this kind of score for columbia?? This is crazy!!

I can see that going to USA is really a tremendous problem and burden to the family. My mother is reluctant to send me there. I've been doind all the talking, convincing, explaining but it seemed to have no effect at all. I was really upset when I heard the words ' Don go USA la ' . I am still very upset now. She wants me to go hong kong or singapore. I don think I will be happy there. I want to make my own plans. They think I'm not capable of making my own plans. They think I just said it for fun.

It's like I'm the only one that is having emotions in my own room and they are happily sitting in the living room eating KFC. And I really meant it. So before I reach the point of explosion, I talked to Engyi. I found my solution.

I think it's really unfair that they are always saying I shouldn't go here shouldn't go there because I am not good enough and it's not worth spending this amount of money on me and the two potatoes are the ones that can go here go there but their results seemed to be worse than mine. I hate it when they said to me ' you don die oso no use' . And the younger one even learnt that up and always saying this to me. I fit was the previous me I would have slapped him hard on the face. However this time I remained silent and chose not to talk to them.

Hence, I had made my own decisions tonight. What's with all the fuss! I can retake TOEFL if I fail. Since I'm taking up a job after my TOEFL, I can register TOEFL agiani with my own money. Not a abig deal.I can take it until I scored 100. I'll somehow make my way through US. If eventually I fail to do so, I will have to go somehwere else. If hong kong and singapore don accpet me then I'll just go back to UTAR. What's the big deal. I can plan my own route. It's not the end of the world.