I'm very upset since morning. For no reason.
I got to my TOEFL classes in time. Today gets better, at least the times I want to fall asleep has reduced.
After the class I thought I should go JJ to do some shopping. I'm recently out of my own mind. I am losing weight but yet I keep buying junks back home especially instant noodles.
When I was passing the traffic outside JJ, I was supposed to turn right, of course before the light turns red. Nobody is allowed to speed through the red light, especially beginners that are still holding the 'P' license.Hello??!!!
But I couldnt believe myself. There was a car in front of me when the light ALREADY turned yellow and the car hadn't turn right yet. Supposedly I should stop no matter the car in front of me stop or keep going cause it's already yellow light but I went blank. I didn't know what I was thinking at that moment. Maybe I was too scared that if I stopped abruptly the car behind me might knock me cause it's too late to break.
So, out of my mind, I sped a little bit trying to pass before the green light of the other side of the road lighted up. I think when I was at the point where I was going to speed and turn right, two thoughts suddenly came to my mind. Should I stop or go? Hence at that point I slowed down but apparently I decided to speed. So within that moment, a few seconds passed and if I was to speed red light I should do it fast right.
Damn it!! When I was almost going to drive into the right lane, ALMOST GOING TO, the green light of the other side lighted and you know sometimes cars can wait and they don drive immediately when it turns green. But those motorcycles. DAMN! I was sort of blocking their way to 'speed'. Few of them even stared angrily at me, giving those ' wth is she doing ! get lost la ! ' expressions.
I was already like 'omg omg omg' . Damn it! I never did that ! It's really bad and it's frightening!! And then I drove into JJ and I was praying hard that there would be a lot of parkings. It did. But I used to have Xinyi with me when I did parking. And today. It's really saddening. I failed at parking. Suck. How can I be so fail. In the car all I could think was 'what the hell are you doing. you are such a failure'
And so I went mad. I went to the market side and bought things that I usually don't buy. And I spent rm60 on junks. I regretted. It's not like I can eat them all. And this morning I had a little argument with my mom and when I came home we sort of argued a lil bit AGAIN.
And after dinner, I argued with my brother because he couldn't let me use the com and kept playing his childish game. I went berserk and I turned on the volume of the tv so loud and I had another argument with another brother.
Then after 2 hours I came up and said ' if you still want to sit there i will just off the com immediately' and so he left reluctantly but then he said he had to ' do something without me seeing first ' so i had to go in my room first. I didn't listen to him and he didn't want to leave the seat and then he quickly took out the drawer and ran into the room and he knocked down the speaker and the cover of the speaker came off and I was so frustrated I TOOK HIS HANDPHONE AND THREW IT DOWNSTAIRS.
When he came up and saw what happened, of course he went mad too and he kept scolding me with foul words but I had no intention to argue back and I didn't even care a bit.
And then later from my parent's room I kept hearing voices in a not very friendly tone.
All these really drive me crazy. Is it my fault?? I don feel like staying in this house. I know it's bad but I really don like the feeling being with them. Dad always with mom, whatever they are doing, arguing talking bla bla bla. The two boys always together, either throwing foul words at each other or talking bout those ridiculous games. I'm always alone. I don see any point being with them. Everytime I be with them it's just like I'm being alone. I really want to leave this place.
