Tremendous change

I want to be able to talk about this to someone that really cares.
I'm having severe family problems, and I mean it.
There's a tremendous change in the relationship with my first younger brother.
However there's still a bright side of this situation, that is my relationship with my youngest brother remains as good as before.

That's not it.
I had an overwhelming sense that one of my parents has changed, unfortunately, in a bad way.

I don't know if I am being too paranoid, but all of the evidence were too convincing.
Tell me, what should be my next step?

The adults are reluctant to talk about their problems.
How would I know what's going on?

I know this family always has the serious communication problem but I never knew that it would be that serious.
I never knew that we would come to this point.

One of them has been acting really suspicious lately.
Being in the list of the top tens most paranoid person, my conclusion is one of them is having an affair.

Running up debts, tortured by family members.. Having an affair is the worst thing a family can have.

Having an affair??

I heard many of these stories but I thought after so many years, this would unlikely to happen.

After so long and you are telling me that you are interested in this irresponsible unforgivable act?

There is definitely no reason or excuse for doing this.
All these days I could only think of this matter.

If I am the only one who think of this, then maybe the probability of me being wrong is higher.
What if it's not just me who thinks like this too??

I had been having 'secret meetings' with my lil brother.
He's the only one I can talk to now.

I would never ever forgive if this really happens.
But my lil brother said no matter what I might still have to go with xxx because I need to go overseas to study.
He's right.
I don't know what will it be like if this really happens.
I really dono.

And finally I cried

And I cried, several weeks after the last time I cried.
Pathetic I was to face a bowl of milo and biscuits when I cried.
I was so sad all of a sudden and while eating I cried and the sound of the tv downstairs had prevented them from knowing that I was crying.

It wasn't suppose to be like that.
Today supposed to be a nice day. I was supposed to be excited to prepare for tomorrow's TOEFL.

And I have no idea why did I cry. Maybe because I was too fat or maybe because the milo and biscuits tasted very bad. Or maybe because I was too worried for TOEFL? But I didn't cry for Econs and Law exams.

Or maybe, I texted a friend, Engyi and I felt so touched and I cried? It's possible since I had not been contacting any of my frens for a long time although I don't have many friends.

In these few months when I stay at home, I cried more often. Is it mean that I shouldn't be at home? This is not where I should stay? What should I do?

I'm old enough to make my own plans

I'm having TOEFL tomorrow morning at Penang's KDU. Unfortunately, I'm still not well-prepared. All I could think of is how I will fail in TOEFL. For speaking, I couldn't speak within 60 sec. For reading, the questions were tough. For listening, I couldn't listen carefully to what the thing said. Writing is the worst. And then my mother said whether I can go USA or not depends on my TOEFL score. I think it's because of what she said that ha made me panicked. The worst is she just left me stranded there, worried bout my own stuff alone. HEY!! YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SOMETHING THAT SCARES PEOPLE OFF THEN LEAVE THEM ALONE TO DEAL WITH THE FEAR!!

I couldn't complete the practices. I went berserk. I wanted to scream and throw tantrums but eventually I decided to just remain silent. I din speak to nayone for the whole day. I really don't feel like speaking at all. Columbia College needs 100 out of 120 scores. Where do I get this kind of score for columbia?? This is crazy!!

I can see that going to USA is really a tremendous problem and burden to the family. My mother is reluctant to send me there. I've been doind all the talking, convincing, explaining but it seemed to have no effect at all. I was really upset when I heard the words ' Don go USA la ' . I am still very upset now. She wants me to go hong kong or singapore. I don think I will be happy there. I want to make my own plans. They think I'm not capable of making my own plans. They think I just said it for fun.

It's like I'm the only one that is having emotions in my own room and they are happily sitting in the living room eating KFC. And I really meant it. So before I reach the point of explosion, I talked to Engyi. I found my solution.

I think it's really unfair that they are always saying I shouldn't go here shouldn't go there because I am not good enough and it's not worth spending this amount of money on me and the two potatoes are the ones that can go here go there but their results seemed to be worse than mine. I hate it when they said to me ' you don die oso no use' . And the younger one even learnt that up and always saying this to me. I fit was the previous me I would have slapped him hard on the face. However this time I remained silent and chose not to talk to them.

Hence, I had made my own decisions tonight. What's with all the fuss! I can retake TOEFL if I fail. Since I'm taking up a job after my TOEFL, I can register TOEFL agiani with my own money. Not a abig deal.I can take it until I scored 100. I'll somehow make my way through US. If eventually I fail to do so, I will have to go somehwere else. If hong kong and singapore don accpet me then I'll just go back to UTAR. What's the big deal. I can plan my own route. It's not the end of the world.

Bad mood

I'm very upset since morning. For no reason.
I got to my TOEFL classes in time. Today gets better, at least the times I want to fall asleep has reduced.

After the class I thought I should go JJ to do some shopping. I'm recently out of my own mind. I am losing weight but yet I keep buying junks back home especially instant noodles.

When I was passing the traffic outside JJ, I was supposed to turn right, of course before the light turns red. Nobody is allowed to speed through the red light, especially beginners that are still holding the 'P' license.Hello??!!!

But I couldnt believe myself. There was a car in front of me when the light ALREADY turned yellow and the car hadn't turn right yet. Supposedly I should stop no matter the car in front of me stop or keep going cause it's already yellow light but I went blank. I didn't know what I was thinking at that moment. Maybe I was too scared that if I stopped abruptly the car behind me might knock me cause it's too late to break.

So, out of my mind, I sped a little bit trying to pass before the green light of the other side of the road lighted up. I think when I was at the point where I was going to speed and turn right, two thoughts suddenly came to my mind. Should I stop or go? Hence at that point I slowed down but apparently I decided to speed. So within that moment, a few seconds passed and if I was to speed red light I should do it fast right.

Damn it!! When I was almost going to drive into the right lane, ALMOST GOING TO, the green light of the other side lighted and you know sometimes cars can wait and they don drive immediately when it turns green. But those motorcycles. DAMN! I was sort of blocking their way to 'speed'. Few of them even stared angrily at me, giving those ' wth is she doing ! get lost la ! ' expressions.

I was already like 'omg omg omg' . Damn it! I never did that ! It's really bad and it's frightening!! And then I drove into JJ and I was praying hard that there would be a lot of parkings. It did. But I used to have Xinyi with me when I did parking. And today. It's really saddening. I failed at parking. Suck. How can I be so fail. In the car all I could think was 'what the hell are you doing. you are such a failure'

And so I went mad. I went to the market side and bought things that I usually don't buy. And I spent rm60 on junks. I regretted. It's not like I can eat them all. And this morning I had a little argument with my mom and when I came home we sort of argued a lil bit AGAIN.

And after dinner,  I argued with my brother because he couldn't let me use the com and kept playing his childish game. I went berserk and I turned on the volume of the tv so loud and I had another argument with another brother.
Then after 2 hours I came up and said ' if you still want to sit there i will just off the com immediately' and so he left reluctantly but then he said he had to  ' do something without me seeing first ' so i had to go in my room first. I didn't listen to him and he didn't want to leave the seat and then he quickly took out the drawer and ran into the room and he knocked down the speaker and the cover of the speaker came off and I was so frustrated I TOOK HIS HANDPHONE AND THREW IT DOWNSTAIRS.
When he came up and saw what happened, of course he went mad too and he kept scolding me with foul words but I had no intention to argue back and I didn't even care a bit.

And then later from my parent's room I kept hearing voices in a not very friendly tone.

All these really drive me crazy. Is it my fault?? I don feel like staying in this house. I know it's bad but I really don like the feeling being with them. Dad always with mom, whatever they are doing, arguing talking bla bla bla. The two boys always together, either throwing foul words at each other or talking bout those ridiculous games. I'm always alone. I don see any point being with them. Everytime I be with them it's just like I'm being alone. I really want to leave this place.

ITALIANNIES AGAIN

I was supposed to go to Full House for the set lunch ! :(  And to make sure I didn't miss it I make sure everything is done before 12pm. I need to get reference letter from Taylor's. Anyway. However, sadly, mom wanted to go Mid Valley and I thought Mid Valley has Full House so I said okay. And I thought we would reach Mid Valley before 1230pm. But I met Jiaway in the office and we talked for quite a long time and when I noticed it's already 1230! Tian AH! I don want to miss my set lunch!!

Fortunately, no traffic jam along the way and we reached Mid Valley at round 1pm and when we got settled it's almost 120pm. So the first thing we did when we went into Mid Valley was to look for Full House and DAMN IT!! All the while I thought 'The Garden' was Full house! So. no Full House. sad. really very disappointed. So we went to Italiannies. my second choice.

I can say that Italiannies set lunch is really worth it. You can eat till you vomit till your line is already up above your head. No wonder they allowed free flow for their pepsi cause they know when we finish the course we don ahve any more space left for drinks. chih.

anyway.. I ordered something something angel hair. forgot the name. But it's with tomato sauce and it SUCKS! So I made a conclusion. Next time when I go Italiannies, I will never call anything that comes with tomato paste. But the minestrone soup was awesome!




The normal bread they provide. I can make it myself too.

Salad

Minestrone Soup . Awesome !

Bad pasta . I don like

Something Something Fish . And I thought the yellow ones were fries but it's not