Disappointment

Recently, I had this great sudden urge to go to USA.
And my recently meant 2months ago.
I just had this great fondness for USA.
I think it's all 'bout the glamour.

But then I tried to convince everyone that I'm going there to learn their way of thinking and studying and managing things.
Deeeep down only I myself will know that it's all crap.

But I really want to go there.
To start a new life.
To learn new things.
To change and renew myself.
To become a better me.

Then Engyi gave me a good excuse.
She said I desperately wanted to go there maybe it's because I want to stay as far as possible away from Soda.
She'll be in UK living her UK life,
and I'll be in US living the NYorkers life style.
It's all bout glamour, isn't it?

And I tried to scratch bout every good thing bout US.
I knew I still have some pretty good convincing skills with me.
I knew if I could list out at least 20 good things bout studying in US,
my mom will definitely permit my US study 'trip'.

I did pray God for help.

I still have some conscience in me.
I don want to feel repentant in the future.
What if something went wrong?
Like.... I don't know.. Maybe Malaysians will start to have this bias thing bout US and I don get employed just because I graduated from US.....
Or maybe things go rough in the future or whatever it is.............I dono!

And then if I really choose this USA path, my alevels will be reckoned a waste.
It's not like 'I want to go and I will go now'.
It's not that easy.
Many problems have to be resolved.
Financial problem, time management problem, face problem, behavioural problem...

Plus not many people agreed and encouraged this path.

I think God helped me to figure out certain things.
I have to learn the hard way myself.
I'm not from a rich family that can send me overseas whenever and wherever I want.
Sometimes certain things just don't belong to you.
When you fail then you have to start asking yourself if this is what should be in your life.
I reckoned USA is not.
It's really very sad and disappointing.

It took me few days to finally give up.
Give up is a bad word.
So I thought maybe I couldn't study in US but I can work there in the future.
That's not the end.
I dono what awaits me in the future but I'm certain that US will be part of it.

:)