My goodness!! First time in my life that i finally got the idea of gossiping.
Finally get to understand why there are people that like to gossip that much.
The feeling of non-stop gossiping was like a ...BLAST!
It din hurt much though. I mean when u r gossiping, at that very particular moment,
you don feel anything , at least for me i din feel anything.....bad.
Apparently it din affect my feeling of being guilty that i HAD backstabbed others.
I think i can say, i always do something that is contradicted to myself.
Looking at the fact that i once told myself that i won't backstab and i hate it ,
and that i am now enjoying the feeling of backstabbing people..
I HATE MYSELF WHEN I DON FEEL GUILTY WHEN I BACKSTABBED THE OTHERS! SAYING BAD ABOUT THE OTHERS! AND HOW I MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE WHEN I EXAGGERATED! AND HOW I MADE THEM HATE THEM MORE!........
GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!! I SHOULDN BE DOING THAT!!
YUP! I did participate in the gossiping session.
Should i consider myself as 'lucky' as i gradually DID feel bad gossiping
and backstabbing the others. Well.. after all the talking.. apparently..
i felt bad.. :) It seemed that i din feel bad when i WAS backstabbing the others
but i felt bad when i HAD backstabbed them. Hmmph..
It's like in the process of backstabbing, i felt that i deserved the talking.
I'm just expressing my anger to someone that had the same thoughts with me
about this particular person. It's like when the expression , the feeling came,
it exploded like a volcano. Everything blurted out, without second thoughts.
It became worse when this kind of feeling and anger had been
kept inside for a very very long time. When it is released, wow, nothing can stop it.
Especially to someone very emotional LIKE ME. sigh........
Well, think back of what i just did, i felt stupid. Felt stupid for my reckless.
I mean like no matter how angry i am or i was, i should not had complained.
I mean like this world is 'unpredictable'. Anything can happen.
Anyone can just turn against me and that might be the end of myself.
I should have just kept it in mind. or just complained to 'orange'.
And by the way . A truly elegant and well behaved person ,
a CIVILISED PERSON , will NOT spend time backstabbing the others.
Just like what my mom always say : 'Hou sum lar, don be so san ba lar.'
Of course, I din start all these nuisance.
Someone triggered that 'bom' and there's when the secrets were revealed.
Initially i backstabbed 'soda' the most as i hate her like shit !
When u hate 1 person so much u will desperately hope that the whole world will turn against her.
That's human.
That's me.
The uncivilised me.
sigh.
I know it deep in my heart why i hate her so much.
The feeling of hatred includes envy and lots of resentment.
I cant conceal it.
I'm stupid enough to reveal that feeling to two ' 8-month friends'.
Not that i don trust you guys or what.
Just that..Something just shouldn be said.
I dono how to explain.
I pitied my whole classmates.
Nobody was excluded from the talk.
I should write down the sequence in order to refresh my memory next time.
Initially, Ah KhYeng , NJay and Fiwee were studying in Seabeak.
Because earlier on we had a little conflict among ourselves,
because of some silly little disagreement,
it was solved of course.
As usual , my emotion caused me into trouble.
I was so angry that i couldn stop complaining during xxxxx class.
My idiotic loud clear voice made the others noticed that little confllict.
So
This very particular person went to ask KhYeng what had happened.
It seemed that when i was complaining,
the others had noticed that the conflict happened within our gang.
Well, it's quite confusing.
Because the truth is -
'even khyeng and Fiwee din know i was angry about them'.
i just simply made up some stupid excuse
that i was furious about my exclassmates..bla bla bla..
Anyway.
Khyeng said she din know there WAS a conflict among ourselves.
So
we took this topic out for discussion in Seabeak.
They told me 'this very particular person' came to ask them about the conflict,
and now khyeng and fiwee wanted to know what happened too.
Of course,
dear me had denied the truth.
I still proceeded with 'my exclassmate's' lie.
They believed.
Luckily.
Then they started to show the 'who does she think she is' face.
So i asked them what happened.
Then they started to complain about 'this very particular person'.
I was so surprised and shocked and happy when i heard their complaints.
Aiya.
Actually it's a bad compliment more than a complaint.
But i'm still happy that they had bad compliments about her.
That, is when i started my gossip-gossip thing.
That, is when all the feelings and emotion came across.
THAT, IS WHEN THE VOLCANO STARTED TO ERUPT.
YUP! That's right.
That very particular person is none other than our ' soda'.
I couldnt recall who's the next victim.
But i do remember who were the victims.
We mentioned 'Ella' , gossiped bout how bad she actually is,
how unreasonable she is...
Then we mentioned 'yao yao'.
Wow. Should take down my expression when we mentioned her.
She is 1 of the sinister people in my black list.
But not the top ones.
She's the bottom ones, the not so important ones.
The reason why she is on my black list is that
she always do things that are contradicted to herself. A bit lik me lar. A bit only.
She always complained how loud and annoying 'Toyo' talked in the class.
Didnt she ever notice that she actually talk AS LOUD AS 'Toyo'?
and yea, it's also very annoying sometimes.
I mean i can show restraint towards you why cant you guys show some respect to Toyo also.
I just dono why you guys HAVE TO pick on Toyo.
We talked about '咸蛋' .
Fiwee and khyeng had a ot of complaints about him.
I just listened and laughed.
Now only did i know about his sui yeh.
I had no comment about this guy since i had no connection to this guy AT ALL.
Then i mentioned 'Mindy'.
Well.
I had to admit that i dislike her ALOT.
I think she's brainless.
Funny right.
I dislike her because she's brainless.
I just dono why nowadays people don have self respect towards the others.
(I dono if i'm one of them too.)
I think i started to dislike her when she on her hp's music to the max.
It was a break because apparently the teacher was absent.
Few of us were staying in the class studying.
I was trying to study here and you on the other side played that freaking irritating song of yours.
How could i study with the song playing?
It's a terrible song if u ask me.
With all the drums and electronic guitars.
I dono if there's rhythm in it.
In addition she had to play such an irritating song to the MAX!!
my goodness!!
and like after a while,
she asked' sorry i din disturb u guys rite,can on the song?'
if u ask me i will definetely say
'my god! yes! it's annoying! off it!'
but before i could answer
someone said ' it's okay'
of course
i had nothing more to say.
i don think that's the 1st time she did that.
since then
i dislike her.
i din hate her
seriously
i don hate her
just dislike her.
We mentioned 'dou dou'.
I don dislike her or hate her.
Just feel that she has a weird attitude.
She likes to act everything her way.
You cant simply control her.
I will remember the way she said 'youre welcome' to the tcher when she was asked to leave the class because she kept talking.
She has the guts.
I don really remember but i think fiwee and khyeng don really like her.
In what way i don rmb.
Or maybe it wasnt even her that they had a problem with.
sigh..
i really cant rmb..
(Am i backstabbing now?)
We did mentioned a few more people.
But i couldnt recall.
Last but not least , (i call him 'THE TROLL') - the troll !
My goodness!! I hate him ! I hate him more than anything!
He's rude! He's weird! He's noisy! He's irritating!
Do u have to create such nuisance?! just to attract attention??
my goodness!!
Do u have to put your legs on the table whenever u like?
Do u have to talk and laugh whenever u like even the tcher is teaching?
Do u have to always disturb the class?
Do u have to create those annoying sound whenever u like?
Do u have to say shut up to whoever u like?
Do u have to be so rude to whoever u like?
Do u have to play your songs so loud in class?
oh ya..
almost forgot..
nasi lemak..
wow
she..
she's one .. quite extraordinary one..
a bit like kan's case.
i'm not goin to say her case here.
too sensitive..
just keep it to myself.
Whooh.
Guess what.
After writing this page,
i have a very, very bad conclusion.
I hate myself too.
From what i said,
i noticed how emotional i always am,
and how narrow-minded i am.
Like 'mindy'.
Do i have to dislike her so much?
I mean she just played the music 'a bit' louder right.
Exclude that she always acts so brainless.
Actually she din affect me SO MUCH right.
She aint so big influence after all.
And then 'yao yao'.
She's okay lar.
Do i have to really talk bad about her?
I don have right.
I can actually just sit there and keep my mouth shut right.
She ain that bad right.
I cant deny that she's annoying sometimes.
But that's just sometimes.
I should be considered lucky not to be hated so much like 'Toyo'.
Right.
Well.
But sometimes i just don like the way they treat 'Toyo'.
It's quite unfair to her also.
But when i think deeply,
i have to ask myself do i really care bout toyo?
or i'm just acting to be caring?
like what 'orange' said.
talked bout it as if u care
but actually u talk just for the sake of talking,
you don really care.
Oh my.
Seriously
i have to learn to change myself.
To be a more civilised person.
Have to learn how to 'open 1 eye and close the other 1'.
Have to learn how to smile more.
Have to learn how to control my emotions.
Hve to learn how to be more matured.
Have to learn how to be calm.
Just at this instance,
i feel that i'm a terrible person.
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